Poco a Poco

Last night I had a minor victory in that I was able to sit in a planning meeting at church with about 25 people. I didn't catch everything going on, but I didn't get frustrated either. The only time I had to leave was when they were praying, because they yell when they pray here. I walked out and waited until they finished. Later, they prayed for me, but they did it quietly. :) I also struggled when the youth group came into the sanctuary and were meeting near us, as they were loud and it seemed that I could only hear them instead of our pastor talking (not using any sound systems).

I can tell that I am adjusting to things now. It's not quite so scary. I still can't handle loud noises, whistling, clapping, yelling, but I can have a conversation now without getting completely frustrated. I also position myself better in groups, though sometimes I have to move and reposition myself.

Being productive

Since I can't go to church, I decided to do a nice bible study about trusting God that my friend Jill sent me. Then, I went for a very short run. I have this goal of running a 5K which I had to put on pause for a few weeks while we waited to see if the nerve would reconnect. I've gained six pounds because of the prednisone, which made me absolutely ravishingly hungry. I lost 42 pounds in the last eleven months, so I don't want to go back to where I was. The last thing I need is to get into a weight gain downward spiral in addition to all of this.
Also, I have a huge painful sty in my right eye... so now it's my ear and my eye! I'm just waiting to see what will happen to my nose! ha

Experiencing the presence of God

A musician friend came to talk to me the other evening. He told me that for him, his whole life, the way he experiences the presence of God is through music. His devotional times, his prayer times, are all centered around music and worshiping God. As he spoke, I began to weep. He put into words what my frustration is. I don't know how to experience God or worship God in any other way but by music.

My husband is a scholar, he loves to study the word of God and theology. It is alive for him and brings him life. I compare my situation with taking away all of his books and his Bible. What would he do? He seems to understand a little more of what I am going through.

Now I know that I can't even stand to be in live music for one song. My challenge is how to really experience God in a new way. How do I worship God now? Our life is to be a life of worship, and for twenty-six years of being a Christian my life of worship has been expressed mostly through music. NOW? Suggestions or ideas appreciated!

How Great is our God, and how loud is our music

I went to a homecoming meeting the other night. I stayed outside of the auditorium until the music was over, or at least I thought it was. I heard only piano, so I snuck in and thought at least I could worship to one song, a slow song. I saw the words projected on the wall, but the sound was so distorted I couldn't recognize the music. Within about thirty seconds I realized I couldn't stay there. The tears started flowing as I stepped outside. My pastor walked by and asked me if I was crying, which started the tears I was trying to hold back. I was so grateful that at that moment my husband came out to check on me, hugged me and let me cry.

I can't even stand ONE SONG. It hurts me. My bad ear buzzes and feels like electricity is going through it. My good ear is overwhelmed and distorts the sound. This is a nightmare for me.

Testing, Satanic Attack, Questions

Why?? That's the question. Why has this happened to me? I can say it's weird that it happened on a Sunday after a particularly powerful time of worship at church, where we sang about spiritual warfare and about God's power. That's uncanny to me. Yet, Satan cannot test us without permission from God, according to the book of Job. So, God let me be tested? Will this show His glory? Will this be a defeat in my life? Taking away a huge part of my ministry and my life that was used for God and no one else? As I tell more and more people about this, it's easy for them to have faith for my healing. For me, it's a minute by minute struggle. I have to plan to not be healed. I have to learn to live my life as if this is how I will be for the rest of my life.... always missing parts of what is going on around me. YET, I want to hope. I want to believe. I want to trust.

You Spin Me Right Round

...woke up this morning with the bed still spinning a bit. Have had several spells today of dizziness. I can't believe it after three weeks of barely any of this! It scares the crud out of me. Will I have to use a cane? Will I be disabled? There are so many "ifs" going on in my mind.
I also wonder if people think I am being awfully wimpy. My husband, thank God, isn't being like that. He believes me and understands that this is incredibly difficult. He has been sweet and sensitive through this ordeal.

In a place called Vertigo!

Church was pretty much NOT the thing for me! I came in for the preaching and felt like I was falling off of my chair the whole time. I felt nauseous to the point my mouth watered. Now I know that I can't be around too many people and too much noise.

Sunday Morning

I can't go to church. The music is too loud and I can't be around any loud noises. I'm sad because my choir is singing today, and I feel like I've abandoned them. I want to hear them, I want to cheer them on, I want to worship with them.
Through all of this, I wonder what God is trying to teach me and show me. Right now, it's just a longing to worship Him as I know how, with music. My challenge is how to worship Him in other ways now. What does that look like? How can I express my love for God without song?

Scary World Out There

I needed to get out of here for a little bit. I've been pretty much stuck in my 600 sq ft house, with three teenage boys and a husband under my feet trying to gingerly attend to my fragile emotional state. Two other American missionaries went along with me North of the Border to do some "retail therapy".
I almost canceled the night before. I told my husband that the world is just too scary to me right now. I decided, though, that I needed to get over this hurdle and begin to live my life! I explained to my friends that sometimes I get panicky and might just grab onto them randomly, but that I would be fine.
I did well for the most part. I was in good spirits because I actually HEARD my friend humming along to a song on the radio. It's like the nerves are still trying to connect!
The only place I got completely, absolutely lost was in Guitar Center. They have to show off their amps, speakers, etc... so the place is LOUD! I was glad to get in, get the cables I needed, and GET OUT!
I got stopped at immigration and had to pay some taxes on our purchases. Three different people had to talk to me, and it was outside and very noisy. I just explained to them that I couldn't hear them, and amazingly they didn't treat me like I am a stupid American who doesn't understand Spanish.
I feel like something was lifted off of me yesterday. I can't believe that something so simple as a day out shopping could relieve this sadness I have been carrying with me for the last three weeks. Hopefully today will be another good day.

Half-hearing

A friend of mine in the US decided to plug up one of her ears for a whole day and see how I am living. Granted, she says, she could still hear a little bit from that ear, but she wanted to get the idea. She said she felt all day like she was just missing things. Like someone would throw her a ball and it would go over her head and she would run to get it, over and over and over again.
She also said that everything took so much more effort. She was exhausted by the end of the day.
That's how I feel. What is maybe even a little worse is that I live in a culture where Spanish is spoken. People don't realize that I understand them, I just can't hear them. I have to pay extra attention to nuances, facial expressions, body language, everything. It's quite the job!

Psalm 42

A friend told me to read Psalm 42 a psalm of comfort... I was stricken that David mentions how he used to lead the multitude in praise and worship and now he must speak to his soul to put his trust in God. I am having to do this on an hourly or sometimes per minute basis.

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.

February 11. 2010

I haven't cried too much today. The hardest thing was going to the worship pastor from church and turning over all my responsibilities. I know they are in good hands, it's just hard to let go of this dream and vision right now when I was just getting started with it.
I'm not supposed to be around any loud noise for at least three months. My doc says I just need to get used to this little by little and really try to give my ear a chance to recuperate some hearing if at all possible. I am not sure what this means as far as church and events here in Mexico, where everything is so loud!
A lady from church came over tonight to pray with me and told me she had a dream about me this morning. I was playing the guitar and the sound was painful & terrible coming from the speaker. She said I didn't hear the bad sounds, but my face lit up and I told her that God had given me a song and I was understanding it as I sang it. I told her that God said, "Don't keep it all to yourself. Give it away."
She was really excited to come and pray for my healing tonight and she wanted to encourage me that God has given me gifts to minister with and that I will get to give them away again. It's just a time of rest.
Another friend told me, "Your ear isn't dead, it's just sleeping." Referring to the woman crying when her daughter died and Jesus said she was just sleeping and she rose up and walked.
Over and over and over again, people are telling me they are expecting God to do a mighty thing through this. We don't understand it. None of us. It's baffling. I just have to believe, though, that God will do it in His time and try to learn patience.

February 10, 2010

I woke up after my night of crying and tried to decide how I was going to face the day. My doctor had taken me off of rest, and I was now free to find my new normal. I'm afraid to go out by myself. I don't trust my body, my mind plays tricks on me. I feel like an alien in my own skin.
My friend came over to check on me and invited me to go out with her to a market. I thought I should get out of my house rather than sit in and cry all day, and she has been with me through the whole process, so I decided to go.
Luckily, it's a chilly day, and there aren't that many people out and about. This helps me to not get so disoriented. She grabbed my arm and walked along side of me, making me feel safe and secure.
I bought some earmuffs... something I wouldn't usually use. I feel compelled to protect my TREASURE ear!
I came home completely exhausted from the trip, but I'm glad I did it. There was only one place where I felt lost, so much noise and I couldn't hear anything being said. I was glad that I had my friend to follow and she could do all the communicating. I'm also glad to say I didn't get dizzy!

February 9, 2010

The toughest day yet. The only good news the doctor has for me is that I do NOT have a tumor. She tells me that my hearing loss is so severe that a hearing aid would not help. We are going to wait three months and hope that my hearing will improve at least 20 db so that a hearing aid could be implemented.
I cry in her office as I explain to her my love of music and how frustrating this is to not even hear my own voice.
She promises me that I will adapt and learn, it just takes time. She encourages me that my gifts and talents are from God, to glorify Him, and not to lose hope. I feel her compassion and mercy and it really helps me through this difficult moment.
On the way home I cry silently, mourning these dreams and plans that I thought were from God for this time in my life. I really believed this year, 2010, was going to be a breakout year for me in my music ministry in Mexico. So many doors were being opened, and now I am completely incapable of doing anything about it.

Now I wait for my miracle.

February 8, 2010

I stayed at home and quiet as much as possible during the rest time prescribed for me. The steroids made me ravenously hungry and I was desperate to get out and exercise, but there has been a fear of going into the outside world.
I did take a trip to the grocery store, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be as long as people don't try to converse with me!
I had my CT scan and audiology test... the hearing test surprised me because I actually HEARD beeps. I was excited until I found out that they were at 120 db. The voice recognition test was really strange for me. I heard that she was saying something, but it sounded like martian-ese or robot, but not words.
I was to wait until the next day for my appointment with the dr and to talk about the results.

January 28, 2010

I had been taking the antibiotics for three days and not seen any improvement. The good thing was there was no pain. I was getting more and more frustrated by my inability to function, though.
This Thursday morning I had to go to a big pastor's meeting and while there plan the worship for a women's conference. I was to be in charge of all the music and forming a women's choir for a congregation of about 1,000 people. This is something I have been looking forward to since last October!
The meeting was full of people, loud noises, loud music, videos, and lots of distractions. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and completely lost. This was my first time being around a lot of people since the deafness occurred, so I didn't know what was going on with me. I could see people talking but not hear them because of someone nearby crumpling a paper. Little sounds drowned out the big ones.
The severity of my reaction in the meeting made me decide that morning I needed to go to an ENT, immediately. We came home and asked around and found one who could see me that afternoon. My husband took me and she examined me. She diagnosed me with Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss, or Sudden Deafness. She put me on steroids, anti-virals, blood thinner, and something else. She told me to wait a week, be on rest as much as possible, and then go have a CT scan and audiology exam.
I came home and investigated the condition and felt really good about her diagnosis as well as her treatment. I held onto the 30% full recuperation rate that I read about.

January 25, 2010

Monday morning I awoke still deaf in my right ear. I decided to go for my morning run and then to look for a doctor.
While running, I had my iPod buds in both ears, turned as loudly as possible. I switched the bud from my left ear to my right just to be sure that I couldn't hear anything, and quickly saw that was true.
Running was scary. I would hear a truck or car coming, but I wasn't sure where it was coming from. I went to a park and decided to run there away from the cars, on the sidewalk. I didn't like the feeling of confusion that came over me.
I decided to go to a local doctor and get some antibiotics. Surely my ear was just swollen and infected, even though there was no pain?
The local general practitioner confirmed that it was an ear infection and gave me a round of antibiotics. She told me I would feel better soon. I went home and just waited.

January 24, 2010

It was my Sunday morning worship time in Mexico as the main worship leader. I've been co-leading for about six months with my friend, Julio, but now felt comfortable enough with the Spanish songs to launch out on my own.
I prayed for weeks and sang my heart out. My favorite song was "Gritos de Guerra" by Claudia Lorelle. I remember during the song thinking the sound was quite distorted and the congregations shouts of war weren't that loud but thought maybe I was just nervous.
At the end of the service I sang "Power of your Love" by Hillsongs, it was a beautiful time of ministry as I sang over the people being prayed for. I sang from my innermost being, asking God to cover them and surround them with His mighty love.
Of course, ministering in praise and worship for over an hour without ceasing is exhausting. I came home, ate lunch, and laid down for a little siesta. I remember waking up and hearing my neighbor outside laughing with her little girl. The problem was, I was hearing her voice through my pillow, not the ear that was ceiling up. I was a bit confused.
I sat up and thought it was weird. It felt like my ear was swollen shut. I tapped on it, but heard nothing. No pain. The ear felt closed.
I didn't panic, but I didn't enjoy the rest of the day. We went to a birthday party and I felt lost and confused. The more the time passed, the more confused and frustrated I felt. I decided to go to sleep and deal with it the next day.