Being productive

Since I can't go to church, I decided to do a nice bible study about trusting God that my friend Jill sent me. Then, I went for a very short run. I have this goal of running a 5K which I had to put on pause for a few weeks while we waited to see if the nerve would reconnect. I've gained six pounds because of the prednisone, which made me absolutely ravishingly hungry. I lost 42 pounds in the last eleven months, so I don't want to go back to where I was. The last thing I need is to get into a weight gain downward spiral in addition to all of this.
Also, I have a huge painful sty in my right eye... so now it's my ear and my eye! I'm just waiting to see what will happen to my nose! ha

Experiencing the presence of God

A musician friend came to talk to me the other evening. He told me that for him, his whole life, the way he experiences the presence of God is through music. His devotional times, his prayer times, are all centered around music and worshiping God. As he spoke, I began to weep. He put into words what my frustration is. I don't know how to experience God or worship God in any other way but by music.

My husband is a scholar, he loves to study the word of God and theology. It is alive for him and brings him life. I compare my situation with taking away all of his books and his Bible. What would he do? He seems to understand a little more of what I am going through.

Now I know that I can't even stand to be in live music for one song. My challenge is how to really experience God in a new way. How do I worship God now? Our life is to be a life of worship, and for twenty-six years of being a Christian my life of worship has been expressed mostly through music. NOW? Suggestions or ideas appreciated!

How Great is our God, and how loud is our music

I went to a homecoming meeting the other night. I stayed outside of the auditorium until the music was over, or at least I thought it was. I heard only piano, so I snuck in and thought at least I could worship to one song, a slow song. I saw the words projected on the wall, but the sound was so distorted I couldn't recognize the music. Within about thirty seconds I realized I couldn't stay there. The tears started flowing as I stepped outside. My pastor walked by and asked me if I was crying, which started the tears I was trying to hold back. I was so grateful that at that moment my husband came out to check on me, hugged me and let me cry.

I can't even stand ONE SONG. It hurts me. My bad ear buzzes and feels like electricity is going through it. My good ear is overwhelmed and distorts the sound. This is a nightmare for me.

Testing, Satanic Attack, Questions

Why?? That's the question. Why has this happened to me? I can say it's weird that it happened on a Sunday after a particularly powerful time of worship at church, where we sang about spiritual warfare and about God's power. That's uncanny to me. Yet, Satan cannot test us without permission from God, according to the book of Job. So, God let me be tested? Will this show His glory? Will this be a defeat in my life? Taking away a huge part of my ministry and my life that was used for God and no one else? As I tell more and more people about this, it's easy for them to have faith for my healing. For me, it's a minute by minute struggle. I have to plan to not be healed. I have to learn to live my life as if this is how I will be for the rest of my life.... always missing parts of what is going on around me. YET, I want to hope. I want to believe. I want to trust.

You Spin Me Right Round

...woke up this morning with the bed still spinning a bit. Have had several spells today of dizziness. I can't believe it after three weeks of barely any of this! It scares the crud out of me. Will I have to use a cane? Will I be disabled? There are so many "ifs" going on in my mind.
I also wonder if people think I am being awfully wimpy. My husband, thank God, isn't being like that. He believes me and understands that this is incredibly difficult. He has been sweet and sensitive through this ordeal.

In a place called Vertigo!

Church was pretty much NOT the thing for me! I came in for the preaching and felt like I was falling off of my chair the whole time. I felt nauseous to the point my mouth watered. Now I know that I can't be around too many people and too much noise.

Sunday Morning

I can't go to church. The music is too loud and I can't be around any loud noises. I'm sad because my choir is singing today, and I feel like I've abandoned them. I want to hear them, I want to cheer them on, I want to worship with them.
Through all of this, I wonder what God is trying to teach me and show me. Right now, it's just a longing to worship Him as I know how, with music. My challenge is how to worship Him in other ways now. What does that look like? How can I express my love for God without song?