Get on your feet!

I'm really trying to get up and back to normal life, and some days it is better than others. One day this week we had 12 visitors come to the house in one day. At one time, there were three teenage boys in my living room playing electric guitar, three pre-teens online playing Club Penguin, and four young adults sitting on the front porch laughing. My house is only 600 sq. ft. The sound bounces about and especially if amps are involved with the electric guitar. I had to go in my room, turn the fan on high for white noise and lie in bed trying to calm my brain.

I feel fragile still... after church, a woman came up to me and asked me if I have a CD of my music because she misses hearing me sing. I broke into tears and thanked her for her kind words.

The good news is that I can now sing again and will be leading worship on May 23rd for the first time. It takes a lot of concentration and I cannot lead a choir anymore, because I can't hear all the different parts. I'm working on getting myself on-key and hearing myself for now. It's tough. I miss the natural singing I used to be able to do.

Tinnitus

If you've never heard of tinnitus, look it up. It's this constant buzzing or whooshing sound I have in my right ear. I would rather not hear anything at all than this sound. Sometimes it is so loud it drowns out the noise I can hear through my good ear. When I am stressed out, it's louder. At night, when everything is quiet, it is a deafening noise. I have to turn on the fan in my room to create white noise to help me deal with it. I have heard there are hearing aids that can help with it. I'm actually looking forward to the hearing aid process now and seeing what there is available for me. I never thought I would want a hearing aid, but the tinnitus is making me think again.

Today I found through facebook a friend of an acquaintance who just lost her hearing in one ear. We are going to start communicating, and I'm looking forward to having some company in this ordeal. She lost hers through and ear infection and ruptured ear drum.

How Good and How Pleasant it is

...to go to church again. I was desperate this past Sunday to be in church! I longed for worship, for being with my fellow believers and lifting up the Lord in song and blessing His heart together. I woke up a little sad because it has been two months since I've been able to be with my "family" here in Mexico. Greg had the bright idea of using an ear plug to see if that would block out the sounds that bother me, so I tried it. I was able to sit through the whole service, to sing, to worship, and to hear the teaching of the Word. It was beautiful!
Last night I did the same thing, though my ear plug fell out at one point while I was dancing. Of course, I was seated on the balcony, and the ear plug found the ONE hole to fall through to the floor below. My son ran down quickly to pick it up and I continued to worship.
I'm anxious to see what's going to happen in the next month. I'm to go for further hearing testing to see how much it has improved (somewhat) and to see about a hearing aid. I'm really ready to get on with it, but I'm trying to be patient.
Last night's message was about being a one who has the heart of a worshiper. I pretty much cried through the whole thing. Why? It just touched my heart and resounds within me that I was created to worship Him and bless His name. How can people NOT get that? He compared Saul (who created a $50 million temple to see what he could get from God) to David (who made a TENT to house the ark, but had Levites surrounding it 24/7 to bless and worship God). May we all be like David, men and women after God's own heart, who desire nothing more than to bless Him and glorify His name in these last days!

My Heart's Cry

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been getting used to this living with one ear thing. I didn't think it would be possible, but it actually is happening. My good ear now has extended it's territory and picks up more sounds. I still can't be around loud noise, I still can't handle music much, but I'm doing better.

I actually sang last weekend at a retreat. It was just me singing with a keyboard, no monitors, no loud speakers, and very few people. The women weren't applauding, which is something that I absolutely cannot stand, clapping hands are like bullets of sound that pierce right through my head!

I wanted to share a scripture a friend shared with me who had gone through something similar...

Is 50:4-5 The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.

Big Girls Don't Cry

... except today, which was to be my big day of leading worship. The day I prepared for, prayed about, and thought daily about from the day they invited me in October. Like I said, I'm happy that my friend gets to lead worship today, but I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions as my son left to go and play guitar for the event. I'm supposed to be up there, but I am crying too much and I don't want people to focus on ME instead of the event and the Lord. Maybe later...

Love in any Language

It means so much to me to have people come over to my house specifically to pray for me and my healing. Every time, I hold my hands out and say, "Lord, I'm ready." The other day, a student from our Bible School took a piece of cotton, put a drop of oil on it, and placed it in my ear. We prayed, nothing happened, but we still wait.

I was reminded of the blind guy that Jesus spit into the dirt and put mud on his eyes. Do you remember he wasn't healed at first, he just saw shadows? That's kind of like my hearing right now. The voices I do hear are like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Not much understanding. I was happy today because I heard Greg say "dance" and "Mexico", but maybe I heard it through my good ear, it's hard to tell.

This weekend is the big event I was supposed to be in charge of the worship for. My friend, Xochitl, is taking my place, and I'm very happy it's her. I want to go hear it, but I don't think it would be wise and I think it would also probably make me sad.

The main speaker for the event is a friend of mine, and she had the same thing happen to her several years ago with her hearing, so I'm excited to see her. She is the only person I personally know who has had this same thing. She, however, recovered her hearing 100%. I'm anxious to hear her story in person.

I keep thinking about this movie we recently saw on youtube, called "The Finger of God" that talks about crazy miracles and signs and wonders that God is doing throughout the earth. It has helped me to not be skeptical when people pray for me or do "weird" things in praying for me. I just know that I have to have child-like faith and wait, wait, wait.

Poco a Poco

Last night I had a minor victory in that I was able to sit in a planning meeting at church with about 25 people. I didn't catch everything going on, but I didn't get frustrated either. The only time I had to leave was when they were praying, because they yell when they pray here. I walked out and waited until they finished. Later, they prayed for me, but they did it quietly. :) I also struggled when the youth group came into the sanctuary and were meeting near us, as they were loud and it seemed that I could only hear them instead of our pastor talking (not using any sound systems).

I can tell that I am adjusting to things now. It's not quite so scary. I still can't handle loud noises, whistling, clapping, yelling, but I can have a conversation now without getting completely frustrated. I also position myself better in groups, though sometimes I have to move and reposition myself.